Having promised JJ a mix CD detailing my depression, I went to bed on Sunday night I didn't get out of it until I realised it wasn't just any Tuesday, it was pancake Tuesday. My allergies require a special pancake mix from the nearest town so I upped and went without so much as a smile.
Wednesday was a busy day for business. I've been off work this month so my boss and I got together to lay down some plans and another meeting had me hit the capital. I went to visit a friend of mine in hospital and then someone cancelled on me. I'm not entirely sure what clicked in me that day but I had it all worked, I was sure I knew how it all ends.
On Thursday I got off the couch, made a cake and then someone drove me several towns over for coffee.
On Friday I showered. That's news worthy because I'd managed seven days without washing. I remember watching some movie last year, maybe Bridesmaids, where the heroine gets her big pep talk in her depressed state and is told to shower. I turned to JJ and was like "sure, even if my depression isn't fixed as easily as in a movie, at least I'm always clean". Now I'm not. Now JJ has to tell me to wash before I see him. Now I only change my bed clothes when he stays over. Now I only cook when my family needs me to.
Friday night my friend came to babysit me. We must have had a whole pot of tea each. I kept drinking earl grey because my mum swears it's good for depression. I keep tryna promise myself that I won't drink this weekend, I know I'm too vulnerable, but I can't shake the want. He stayed for my midnight smoke and I got on Skype to JJ.
I got up at 9 am. I checked on my brother as he had a late one last night. I went down for breakfast - I ate a breakfast - and I called JJ to wake him up. I showered for the second day in a row. We met at 11 and had no agenda so he taught me how to bet. I lost my accumulator but I guess I should have guessed that Norwich would beat Watford, right? Dad called just before JJ left so I spent a couple of hours being his therapist. When I got home I threw some stuff in the oven for my brother and picked my dog up from nextdoor where she'd caved from her hunger-strike. Then I watched Good Vibrations. My god go and watch Good Vibrations. I mean buy the fucking thing.
Maybe it was the earl grey and maybe some good vibrations resonated from the movie, perhaps it was the company, the cleanliness or the change of scenery but the mix CD is not about my past, it's about the past. It's about liveliness and livelihood and they should go hand in hand in the entertainment business. It should be about the stuff we love, especially if it's local. Here's another perspective on love thy neighbour, love your world. Find out what there is to love in the world. For my American ex it was Ireland, for my Scottish ex it was football, for me it's creation. When yesterday's low crashed in I went into destruction mode and my hair got bleached. Sometimes one thing has to go to make room for another, otherwise we'd have low divorce rates and a lot of polygamy... And all this comes from a girl who sat today, over soup and tea, hearing how earth has already faced three rounds of extinction before humans even thought of evolving and mused "If humans are insignificant in this planet's history then I am nothing and I can go quietly".
Don't give in to that thought. It doesn't last forever. It may not even survive a week.
I love you,
depressivedetails@gmail.com
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