A Better View of the Crumbling Difference Between Wrong and Right

She says it's only in my head,

She says "Shhh... I know it's only in my head."

But the girl in car in the parking lot

says "Man, you should try to take a shot,

can't you see my walls are crumbling?"

Then she looks up at the building

and says she's thinking of jumping.

She says she's tired of life,

she must be tired of something.

- 'Round Here, Counting Crows

I promised a post a week ago and my dog won't stop barking at the window but some things take you over and stop letting you do the things you want to, like writing blogs.

Work has been almighty and all-consuming over the last few weeks until it stopped. During a run of Oliver I found that a family friend had gone missing. The next day they found a car with a letter inside. They buried her and held a Christian service. The minister assured us that she was in heaven as God did not judge those who had been overpowered by the devil - his ignorant explanation for mental illness. We then discovered her mother is blaming the widow for it all, though he is a tirelessly loving person.

Let me set something straight for you, suicide is nobody's fault. No amount of puppy cuddles, phone calls, lay ins or mix CDs are going to save somebody's life. It doesn't matter if I was r***d, loved or alone - it makes no odds if I have work next week or if I'll see you tomorrow - when your mind is so sure you don't doubt it, you just keep it secret. Part of my keep safe scheme is to share my master plans with JJ, my plots are foiled before I even give in to them. It doesn't mean I haven't scarred myself badly or wound up in the emergency room but it means I'm still here.

I wish I could sit Rose's mum down and tell her that no matter how significant someone is in your life they can't convince you to take your own without an existing chemical imbalance. That it's not a moment of action but one of reflection that brings you to the conclusion. The voice comes from inside, the one that clarifies everything, it's not the devil taking over your mind with mind controlling doughnuts or whips. I want to tell her that we all tried our best to convince Rose that she was special and supremely loved but she couldn't accept it. It doesn't matter any more but today she had a few hundred of her biggest fans. I hope it meant something to somebody.

I know it's not a subject you can just touch on but in my emotional post-service state I've not the energy to write much more. With the phrases suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem or nothing saves anyone's life, it just postpones their death I say with a distinguished level of confidence, you'd be surprised who misses you.

Also, I'm not against religion, just not swayed by any of them yet.

One more thing... Happy birthday to my darling bestie.

depressivedetails@gmail.com