"Rape" is such a playground joke until you've been affected by it. The purity of proximity and intensity of fun are stolen away by somebody's lust or malicious behaviour to leave you broken. The culprit never receives the blame, either. I've never met a victim who has not blamed both themselves and a friend (for not protecting them) at some point in their journey. There's a scar it leaves you with, too, that shows itself in a form of fear called hyper-vigilance. This is a sort of paranoia that comes into play with any trigger such as location, new partners, jokes made in poor taste etc.
Any of you who have read my previous posts know well that I am not a fan of the R word, I hardly ever use it even in the right context. It donates a victimisation that I don't desire and counts me among statistics. This is why it has come as a great surprise to me that rumours have circulated in college about me crying wolf.
The event in question was, as he eloquently put it, "a drunken indiscretion". He was a creep and there is no denying that but still the blunder was a duet that I allowed myself to be a part of and although I was embarrassed, that is not what rape is. For seven weeks it circulated (unbeknownst to me) that I was making rape allegations against this should-be-man. I was aware that something was going on behind my back but due to the age gap between myself and my class mates I had put it down to petty drama. Now, there's another larger reason I 'diminutised' the issue, I considered myself paranoid. The guy from New Years Eve last has moved to my street - not to be near me but to be with family - and it really threw me off.
You spend a lot of time in a college, especially in the sort of theatre world I live in. I took every module of the term so my contact hours were close to that of a full-time job. It's hard to continue those hours when you learn that they think only that much of you. No one thought to ask was I okay, that was the troubling thing. If I had been raped by a class mate I would need to be asked was I okay and told that everyone knew. If I was making things up I should have been asked did I say it had happened and, unless I'm greatly mistaken, that means I'm seriously screwed up and someone should probably ask if I am okay. I was not raped, nor did I say I had been and so, in spreading the lies that I was falsely accusing a "man" of rape, I have been bullied.
Well I swear I've lost the last drop of whatever kept me awake alive
Well I fell in the Forth from a heavy right hook
To a blushed and swollen face
And in a single blow it's murdered and then it takes years to waste away
- Boxing Night, Frightened Rabbit
I don't know who figured I was worth treating that way but I'm not too bothered that they exist anymore. There are a handful of people there who have my back now and I'm glad of them... But that's it. Everything is said behind closed doors. Nothing has been officially addressed. All there is left to do is be better than them and I am. Don't let assholes and lies eat you up, you're better than that.
depressivedetails@gmail.com
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