Pieta House is a fantastic service in Ireland that works for suicide prevention. They've taken me on to help me and for this I am eternally grateful. My darling Kay talked me into calling them so after I googled them and made JJ phone he sat on Skype to me while I made the call and the two became my next of kin contacts. The assessment was hard, I cried a lot. She asked a lot about self harm and suicidal desires throughout my life. When it was done she said I needed their help. Before I'd left the building they offered me a 'hold over' which provides twice-weekly sessions of self-care building until a counsellor is available for me to see regularly.
After two hold over sessions they arranged for me to see a therapist. During this time I had begun physiotherapy on my neck and shoulders hoping to bring release of tension to end my headaches and start sleeping. Unfortunately this meant lying in a physio room topless while a stranger stood over me - behind me - completely in control. It shouldn't have surprised me that I cried but it did anyway. I was scared.
The therapist asked a little about my life but mostly gave me pointers on survival. He recommended books and taught me how to focus on the present instead of the horror I foresaw and remembered. "The moment" he told me "is usually not so bad".
Around the third session I was entirely convinced I was pregnant. I felt sick a lot and was having dizzy spells which sometimes impaired my vision significantly. My headaches grew to body aches and I constantly needed sleep that never came. I started to get cramps without blood, I was sure I was gonna be a parent. This plagued me for two weeks before someone told me that they couldn't help if they didn't know what was wrong... Within a day I discovered I wasn't and was so glad to have somebody to share that with.
After four sessions with the therapist it whittled down to once a week. The first week felt like a month. The world is crashing around me and I'm reliving childhood trauma multiple times a day. I'm scared.
"I'm so nervous, I'm so tense.
My heart can't forget about this self defense.
The air is so hot and my breath comes fast.
I thumb the cool blade but I know it can't last."
- Shadow Stabbing, Cake
It can't last. Nothing can. Some things can outlast you, that's all. Don't let this be one of them. Don't let depression win 'cause it doesn't deserve to. You do.
Let's win together.
depressivedetails@gmail.com
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