Sometimes I act quite hastily. When I apply for courses or leave courses I've always just done it in a matter of hours. I don't sit around pondering the decisions I feel are right for me. That, in essence is why I've never thought to call into question any of my self harming or suicide attempts. All of my deliberation throughout my life has been to consider others or to let others come to terms with decisions. When I have plotted suicide it has been because I felt somebody needed me for a period of time or somebody might have felt that they could have done more in a final moment, I don't want that for them. Likewise, when I planned my first tattoo, I allowed my parents to adjust to the thought for 6 months.My hesitations are always to the benefit of another, I am strong willed and I take what I want when it won't effect someone I love.
Impulse buying is easier when it's cheap. The ideal impulse is a packet of stickers, 77c for 5 potentially shiny or scratchy dinosaur stickers. I love these stickers. I like taking them out of the packet and organising them numerically - even lining them all up the same way. I go through my sticker album and find which ones I need and update my stickermanager account. Any spares automatically go to JJ and then what's left gets updated as a spare on the website. Something about the organisation of it with no time pressure is so enjoyable to me. I especially love postal trading with people I usually find under the twitter trend #gotgotneed. I pour over the sticker book every night before I sleep. I do this for me. The jokes and rolled eyes don't matter. I'm allowed to do something for me.
You see, kids don't worry about things the way we've learned to. Kids don't think "If I eat the strawberry yoghurt now there won't be one tomorrow", they eat the yoghurt that will make them happy - when did you stop doing that? When did you start walking or working out not because it would make you smile now but the aim to smile days or months from now? As much as we have to look up and acknowledge the future we need to see what's directly in front of us. We are not allowed to train for next years marathon with this months twisted ankle. Make yourself smile today. Do what's good for you now.
And most importantly, don't listen to what someone else thinks of your road to happiness. You get to find out how to smile without anyone else weighing in.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
Go find your stickers,
depressivedetails@gmail.com
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