Sometimes I wonder to myself how I could possibly still be so sick. I consider where I am now and where I was a year ago - what has changed? It doesn't feel as though anything is better. I still feel sad all the time and scared all the time and I still need a lot of attention. Progress is slow, very slow, and recovery seems non-existent in the middle of it all. Health can be pejorative. I've had very few entire slides in the last six months and I don't make very many phone calls past midnight any more.
So where am I? I always stayed on top of work, I never let a fresh cut on my wrist interfere with the job at hand. I still work through migraines or stomach aches, I still go past my fears to do the task. I'm still damaged though! And I don't always do that much to help myself. I eat sugary foods and I still drink a bit so I fall down the spiral of my own accord. I try to exercise daily but it doesn't really go to plan daily. I've begun to open up to more than one person. I try to get out of the house more and with a bigger range of people and activities. It feels like I've gone down hill when I cried during the ads at the cinema but I don't need to wake anybody up at 3 am to make sure I don't die, I can do that all on my own.
That's all I have to tell you today. I want to remind you that even when it seems like you're so utterly broken, you've probably made some big improvements that you haven't even noticed.
Even the word hopeless has hope in it.
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