New year, fuck that.

I suppose yesterday felt like a junction and I must have taken a wrong turn because now I'm most definitely at a dead end. While I was able to insist on going on a mile-or-so walk to a coffee shop and have a friend ensure I would not return to bed, today the only words I really believe are from the wonderful and all too understanding Frightened Rabbit:

What's the 'blues' when you've got the 'greys'?

I don't have much of a story to say,

I just sit around at night and avoid day.

If I feel anything at all it would be to get up

And avoid conversation and human contact

'Cause you can't touch the world if you can't feel pain...

You should come back here.

It's not that my eyes have some fault and everything has suddenly turned sepia or greyscale, it's that I really don't care enough to see the difference between CocaCola and cherry coke. It doesn't fucking matter. Everything I see looks like it's faded in the wash. It's all second hand. It's as if your favourite vinyl has been left in the sun, it kind of breaks your heart to dispose of it but it's misshapen, it will never sound again. Anyway, I've decided to use this attitude to my advantage: time to quit smoking!

My therapist thinks he's very clever using the 'MEDS' system of healing. It places importance on the following:

• Meditation (key to inner peace and self acceptance, apparently)
• Exercise (vigorous exercise 3-4 times a week as it is 'the best antidepressant')
• Diet (less caffeine & processed sugar, more fruits)
• Spirituality (i.e. mindfulness & appreciating nature)

I'm pretty sure I told you before - I freelance. January is very quiet for me this year and as I've been on a downward spiral and hadn't intended on sticking around 'til now it's time for a plan. Apparently it's important for me to have a normal circadian rhythm now so I'm to be up at 9am daily and join the gym, eat cereal and salads and cut back from my 1l of Cherry Cola a day... I figured that's the time to quit smoking, right? If I do it later it'll mess up the diet thing and if I do it before I start working out I won't have as much resistance from my lungs. So I'm binging on cherry cola. Like a mother-lover. Holy nicotine I need a smokerette.

Of course, and you know well, this isn't the first time I've tried a do-over. My last cleanse started in August and I was doing bad-ass 'til my little trip to A&E. When I came back and bounced straight into life I had to make myself allowances. I had to bribe myself to keep going, daily rewards for breathing and eventually work came in and I had no time for sleep and I lived on energy drinks and my diet got shocking and I fell into a spiral from which I could not emerge because I had to just keep going and I never wanted to... It's time to get back on the horse.

I'm gonna get better soon and I'm gonna show a lot of people who don't understand just how functional people remain and how dickish they've been to sufferers of poor mental health.

Under a guise of 'New year, new me' let's mind ourselves and one another and really find the yellow brick road 'cause the path looks grey from here.

No day but today, folks,

depressivedetails@gmail.com