Bored of depression...

I'm struck today with the notion that people are altogether bored of my depression. I am old news. People are finished treating me with any sense of care. My own grandmother is purposely telling me the horrifying world events when my idea of catching up with the universe is watching the Graham Norton show. I don't entirely know what to say. My mother tells me I'll feel better doing things when every time I get out of bed I think 'Oh yeah, that's why I don't get out of bed much.' It's even harder to get out of bed when I'm begging myself not to smoke.

Will I scare you a little? I'm on tindr. I am one of the girls you can stumble across in Ireland. If you follow my blog you'll know how messed up that is. In all honesty, it was the first thing I did when I got out of hospital that time I tried to kill myself... Well, I guess I needed human heat. I'm not sure what exactly changed in my perception over the last few months but I wound up going dancing a lot more than I used to. Part of me thinks it's 'cause I'm single for the first time in eight years and have nobody to stay home with any-more but I do go out more and that has changed me. Somewhere in this 'lively' lifestyle my mind has twisted so that - without me knowing it - the words 'No one can r*** you if you don't say no' fell out of my mouth. To be perfectly blunt, that attitude saved me from being a victim, too, so you can see how I'm not exactly shitting rainbows just yet.

So what does that say about tindr? You may hook up with a chick who's just tryna get over some heartbreaking event. Maybe you'll help and maybe you'll make it worse. I'm no longer in the happy place where I can hook up (and yes, I've tried). I know there'll be more to come, I know I'll fall in love again and maybe even restore my faith in the ideals of love, romance and monogamy but from where I'm standing monogamy is very close to monotony and that leads to heartbreak... Like, horrible heartbreak. Like, someone dumps you and your kid takes a few weeks worth of happy pills to fall into bliss heartbreak. I'm not up for that this decade, thanks.

My only positive to conclude with is to mind yourself. It's better to protect yourself than be polite, you can walk away from damaging conversations. It doesn't matter if other people get bored or society is fucked up... You've just gotta be there for you.

And I'm here too.
Depressivedetails@gmail.com