Why I don't come out as depressed and how I carry on.

Last night a dear friend of mine linked my blog post from last night on his twitter. I was totally flattered. Here is a link to the blog post where he praises me (but actually you should go here because this is the main page of his blog and he's awesome). What was so flattering was that he has made a lot of friends online with his ventures in writing about football. This man has so many followers who adore his opinion and he told them to read me! I've had a handful of hits since he did that and I'm pretty chuffed... All I want here is to help someone like me.

I'm on a break from work at the moment, I go back in a week. I'll be working for a client who was diagnosed with 'manic depression' almost twenty years ago (nowadays it's bipolar disorder). He was the first client I told about my diagnosis and he met me with such understanding, informing me of his situation that day. I was so relieved. It should have taught me that stigma is being eliminated but we can't really shake the stigma. You see, I don't want to tell people I'm depressed. There are three responses:

1. 'Get out and enjoy the day.' - Actually, that's the point. I've lost the lust for life - for anything! I spent months on end in bed and didn't have sex once. I was miserable. In fact, I'm a lot less miserable than I was and I still don't have the energy to get out of bed. Depression is all-consuming. It eats away at every inch of you until you're just a zombified loner struggling to even pour a glass of water. Except you're not. There's a whole heap of your friends and family waiting for you to say what you need because they don't know how to reach out to you. And you're not a zombie. You're just really, really tired.
2. 'Good luck with that.' - Shutting down someone who admits depression to you is heartless. They're trying to get better by acknowledging their issue and you, sir, are being a dick. These responses are generally just because they feel awkward, not that they don't care but they don't know how to help. Don't lose heart, their words were positive (if a little sarcastic...).
3. 'I understand.' - You really can't say this to someone who feels alone and isolated. I struggled against my instincts to keep in touch with people, not to isolate myself, but I no longer understood how people reacted to anything. I grew frustrated regularly because I was always lost with human interaction. Telling me that you know was never enough, you have to explain how I feel with the words that I am too lost to find. Not only have you now stood beside me but you've shown me where I am.

I don't want those responses. I didn't get the one I was looking for. I had to demand what I needed to hold on. That was fine because that's in my nature.. What about the quiet ones? Who will fill the needs of one who will not ask? That's why people like me and organisations like Samaritans are here. We want the world to be a little less shit. I remember sitting with a man I looked up to a few days after I'd tried to kill myself. I told him every single human alive was an asshole and he calmly responded "Yeah. 100% of us are assholes but some of the assholes are trying to make the world a better place and I think that's what counts.".

So what if you can't take another person? Mark Twain said 'The more I learn about people the more I like my dog.' and I, for one, greatly agree with the sentiment. So what if you can't take another day? Become nocturnal. There is a way forward if you accept it. Staying in bed is better than dying. What always helps me a little bit is going out to a charity shop like St. Vincent de Paul's or Oxfam and buying a new CD, DVD or record. It doesn't matter if Cruel Intentions 2 turns out to be shit or 45s and Under is all scratched, it gives me something to do and I give a cause a little bit of a hand too.

I'm not better yet. I don't have any answers but I have a little hope and a lot of ideas. I want to spread my story because it's something that would have helped me if I knew where to find it. In the interest of that I'm now on twitter. Fight Depression @depressivedata, come tweet with me.

Big sloppery wet kisses from my canine,

depressivedetails@gmail.com