I don't know how long it takes after a suicide attempt that you're deemed capable of taking care of others but it is, apparently, before you stop dreaming of death. I have recently learnt through the world of It's a very merry Muppet Christmas movie (It's a wonderful life in Muppet version) that it is never better to have not been born cause it makes people dance in cages wearing hot pants. This does not mean, however unfortunately, that I am no longer planning a permanent swim... It just makes me wonder if maybe mother was right to skip the abortion daddy dearest had scheduled for me.
Today was Stephen's day and I am relatively drunk still. At Christmas time I spend a lot of time with my brother's friends as I've known them between six and seventeen years (and two months is good going in my books). Some of the guys have moved abroad at this stage (as they steadily count as mid-twenties now) and so visits home for Christmas brings an extra special element to our time together.
Some of the gang headed back to my place with my brother early tonight and I was left to mind a girlfriend who could take no more drink. She was lively and dancing for a few hours and I brought her home when she wanted to puke (which she did a few times from my bed). After a while the other girlfriend in company started to sulk and, having stormed out a few times, returned in tears declaring she had been dumped on Stephen's day. I sat with her, smoked with her and let her fall asleep on my kitchen table. I tried to explain that not too long ago I had had my heart absolutely broken only to hear that it's different after two and a half years... I could have punched her. It would still be different even if I'd been with someone that long... But instead I explained to her that she had a life and aspirations beyond him. It's good for her to have nothing tying her down as her dreams are in New York. My heart was broken when I thought I lost the one positive thing I had but when I got out of hospital he made sure to pick up the pieces and I found that the positive was the person and not the relationship. I found I could be happier with an incredible friend than a difficult relationship (even though the terror of being single in clubs is still surprising every time).
I don't know if I have a message tonight. Maybe that I can be seen as wholly together or that I can help in my awkward way... Maybe that there's no set way to help or that some people are ungrateful at the time... All I know is that the two other girls I was with tonight drank white wine and I cleaned a lot of puke...
Love and detol,
Depressivedetails@gmail.com
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