Love is hard to accept

When I was a kid, nobody wanted to know that my life was anything other than a perfect childhood. I was about eleven when a drama teacher encouraged us to write things and bring them in. Expression was encouraged in his class room and he heard some dire daddy-hating from my pen. Years later when I first worked in theatre I met that man and he is now a hugely significant influence in my life...

On Saturday night he wanted to know if I hated him. I told him no. He needed to know if I was being sarcastic, I told him no. He brushed it off and stopped talking to me. I didn't know what to do with that. I turned to the wonderful JJ who has heard the same from me a thousand times over. I frantically asked how to respond when somebody you love, respect and admire asks if you hate them. He said repetition is key. Tell them all of the time. Now, in the case of JJ and me you have one very intense and expressive person (guess who!) and one very laid back and non-communicative individual so that when I'm told that I am loved it's a reciprocation of affection and I have room to doubt it when I'm low. I chose to take that factor into account upon dealing with my situation. I texted him the following day explaining that the instance where I made an oversized thank you card so that there could be sixteen messages instead of signatures was entirely my own idea because I believed him to be as adored by all of us and worth the effort. He thanked me for my message and, being shortly before Christmas, I posted a card to his family for a gentle reminder not long after just to nudge him into believing me.

I'm finding it a small bit easier to believe people love me knowing somebody I love so deeply can doubt me, too. A lot of people with negative self-image still do a lot of good and are appreciated greatly. You are loved no matter what you think and often the people you feel are criticising you are just trying to help you to be the best possible version of you (which is sometimes massively degrading but they usually mean well). If nothing else, I love you. I may not know you (and only two people know that this blog is mine) but each hit and page view of my blog is appreciated because I want to reach out further than my arms go with my affection.

All of the thanks my little heart can give,

depressivedetails@gmail.com