People are people

I've said it before and I'll say it again: people are assholes. Sometimes the very people you can't live without are the ones that break you down (actually, pretty much always because they're the only ones with enough weight to affect you). People forget plans you were excited about, shut you out when you need a little support and just don't say it straight 'cause they're not bothered... People are assholes!

The thing is that they're people, just like you're a person, and they're going through stuff too. They may not think your plans are definite in the first place to get cancelled at all, or maybe they need to shut you out to sort themselves... I know it sucks. I really know it sucks but c'est la vie.

I thought I was lucky enough to have someone I called a best friend. I've gone on and on about him throughout posts and there are multiple reasons for this. You see, I fall under a 'lifetrap' (unhealthy psychological behaviour learnt in childhood) of defectiveness which relates to poor self-image and low self esteem. In thinking that I am a total loser, I talk about other people because they're more interesting and bring a better positivity to conversations. I also fall under the dependency lifetrap where I rely far too much on others as I feel I don't have the tools to cope in the real world independently. This leads me to place more importance on people and then they're the people I talk about. So I thought I had a best friend but it was unhealthy behaviour.

He keeps me company to get me to sleep. He Skypes in most nights and stays on when I'm going through a rough patch. He does pretty much everything to keep me dependant on him. He is a friend to me. He likes to be needed. But he doesn't let me in. He doesn't have me around on days that matter to him. Halloween, his birthday, new years... They're all days he says he'll spend with me and then makes other plans with his real friends, the ones he wants in his life, he doesn't cancel on me but tells me where he's going. He likes to be in my life but he doesn't want me in his.

I suppose a big part of why I'm writing this is because I can't talk to him while his exams are on. I try my best in my weakness to be supportive... As I said, people are people and people are assholes. Make sure the ones around you are the right ones.

Love and support,
Depressivedetails@gmail.com