Times Like These

Every now and again I spend a night in my Dad's house where his girlfriend watches NCIS religiously and I sit through five episodes of rape victims wondering why things that are so hurtful are televised... I've never particularly found an answer.

The last few weeks have been a disaster. I haven't found a piece of peace of mind. I promise over and over that everybody will be okay, that I love so deeply and dearly, that I am not choosing to leave them- I'm leaving me. "I am a little divided: do I stay or run away and leave it all behind?" (Times Like These, Foo Fighters). 

Today has been heartbreaking. I've been working around the country doing marathon hours and drinking at whatever hotels we've been set up in. I slept in my own bed last night and couldn't leave it without the proper inspiration which turned out to be dinner time. I'm amazed I lasted to dinner time. I've survived an impossible day. I'm alive without purpose. A moment spent idly brings tears to my eyes- on buses, at work, in bed- and in no metaphorical sense. I cry every day, sometimes really desperately. Today I had no human company. Nobody would return my calls or text me back... I keep a pack of pills by my bed for the day that's too much to handle. I survived to work in two days, how sad is that? It's my birthday next week but I hold on for fucking work.

I am a one way motorway

I'm the road that drives away

then follows you back home

I am a street light shining

I'm a white light blinding bright

burning off and on

I don't feel like a shining light. I am a one way force, a fuel that burns and suffocates and ceases to burn any more... I want to go to someone's home. I want warmth and company. Can I come over? Please?

I'm just sad.

I am a new day rising

I'm a brand new sky

to hang the stars upon tonight

I am a little divided

do I stay or run away

and leave it all behind?

I've been hanging on stars or lights of any kind. I'm not finding any answers here. I'm not finding any help. I need you. I need somebody. Tell me it's okay? I don't know... but I'm surviving.

it's times like these you learn to live again

it's times like these you give and give again

it's times like these you learn to love again

it's times like these time and time again