Square 9

Have you ever lost all sense of where you're going? That's sort of the point of being 21, isn't it? Now some 20 year old is in Scottish parliament and I'm lying in bed wondering where the last four years went and why I have so many certificates and nothing to do.

I hurt myself again -- accidentally. The last month has been at least one  accident per gig and I feel like I'm back at 17 when I wore out of order signs on various limbs as a fashion statement. I've gone back on the dating scene, too, and I wonder when it's safe to trust someone new... I'm scared. The highs of the new seem to be haunted by old lows as I crash from my come down. Jesus, I'm lost. I don't know where my days are going, they're not being spent in bed. I seem to be spending more money than time. Good grief! My friend has had a baby already, I've seen her four times during the pregnancy, where was I? Two more friends have degrees, is that three? Someone cropping up from school days again... I should have a degree by now. Another friend half way through a masters... Do I even exist? I've gone round and round, started over and over, square one once more... Dear God.

I'm stuck. I'm trying to go forward but I can't. I'm struggling against myself here. Am I worth the effort? I can't be worth the fight. I'm not positive enough in the world for any of this to be worthwhile... Somebody help me.

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin 

Dance me through the panic 'til I'm gathered safely in 

Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove 

Dance me to the end of love 

- Dance Me to the End of Love, Leonard Cohen

I am distant although I try not to be. I ask for help but if I choose the wrong person I shut down. I am always wrong. I need guidance.

There is some semblance of light in darkness. I heard once that 'The shadow proves the sunlight', is depression proof of happiness and health? How can I ever explain away those 6 months of hibernation? Will I always fear the reaction of those who hear my truth? Will honesty stay with anonymity forever?

If life stages go in stepping stones I'm retracing the same four inadvertently, indefinitely. The Who's Tommy lulls 'I've got a feeling 21 is gonna be a good year' (admittedly referring to 1921 but wrong nonetheless). Paramore's Hello Cold World shouts '22 is like the worst idea I have ever had' (genuinely referring to age this time!)... Can it get any worse? Square one will be my bitch this time, eh?

Stages are just stages for us to pass

And you should peel those ears

'Cause it's important that they hear

My hopeful words

And stomp out fear

There's something I like about this year...

Square 9 is here

- Square 9, Frightened Rabbit

With the repetition of mental health issues in my life and the voice of my school P.E. teacher in the back of my head screaming "Practice makes permanent" I say only this:

Silly rule golden words make,

Practice - practice makes perfect.

Perfect is a fault, and fault lines change

I believe my humor's wearing thin 

And change is what I believe in.

- I Believe, R.E.M.

"Raise a tent of shelter now,

Though every thread is torn, 

Dance me to the end of love"

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