Saturday, 6 December 2014

Libido & Lows

I have the most bizarre complaint for you tonight: I've got the lows and a libido. I'm not sure I fully appreciate having a libido either. I'm so used to sitting in a bubble and not needing - or wanting - anybody to disturb it. I suppose part of my complaint, too, comes from the fact I suddenly developed a libido about ten months ago. Let me tell you my wonderful story.
I was one of those kids that hit puberty hard and young. I was a B cup before I'd left primary school (and I was pretty damn young, too). By the age of thirteen I was a 32D taking passes from men nearly three times my age. I was skinny and lively and I dealt with sexual abuse to a small extent. I wound up so petrified of losing my virginity to rape that I gave it away before I knew what my hymen was. I then saved myself once more to the age of seventeen when I found puppy love. My sudden burst into sexual activity (a thrill cause of the sneaking around and rebelling against parents) left me somehow alluring and it was at this age that I came-to with a member in my person (I avoid the R word, I am not a victim).
My later sexual experiences were no better. Being a serial monogamist meant I was always getting into long-term things and would either have to give in or run a mile. A lot of the guys I slept with were virgins (or just really bad so I assumed they were) and anyone that put me in my bed was automatically scratched off because that's where the incident had happened and I automatically associated the two. I started to understand the appeal of sexual activity when I was nineteen or so and hooked up with an actor sporadically. Unfortunately for me, I had a bun in the oven before I hit twenty but already facing depression, my brain compartmentalised and I remained wholly in denial, even beginning to date a wonderful guy from Mayo.
The relationship was awful. I was moody, recovering from significant knee damage and facing a cancer scare. The dude was amazing. Hilarious, intelligent and totally relaxed. For the first time in my life I had made an emotional connection that made me want to have a physical one. I tried and tried to have a healthy sex life but whenever I was on the bottom I would relive my past, he'd realise and we'd go nowhere. Within two months I lost the baby and broke. That was around the time we broke up.
To ignite a libido within myself I went about building my trust levels. I read up on ways to achieve orgasm and discovering that regular sex helps for women, I took up masturbation. I tried to avoid relationships so when it happened it would be a choice and not just giving in. I got involved with an over controlling celibate guy who moved back to Chicago and kept me as a Skype companion. It didn't take long to realise I wanted the Mayo man back but I was told I was too mentally ill to make choices like a break up. I kissed my ex. I kissed a guy who was relentlessly there for me. Then I kissed a father of three...
Seeing my behaviour was derailing again and working with the encouragement of two incredible work contacts I managed to break it off with Mr. Celibate. It took a whole three days to start seeing the guy who supported me through everything. I told him repeatedly not to expect anything sexually. I'd gone 11 months avoiding sex and I didn't really believe I'd be ready but when he brought me home after our first date, drunk though I was, I was totally and absolutely ready. It took another month or two before I really let go and let him take me there but I got there. That guy was JJ. Since then we've broken up (and gotten down another few times!) and now I have to deal with having a libido as a single person for the first time!
And so tonight, in my sex-driven state of mind, I've texted the guy from Mayo. It's really hard to trust myself in depression that I can actually make logical decisions but I really can!! And besides, everyone makes bad decisions every once in a while. I'm still young and I still have a lot of growing to do.
If this seems a useless bragging of my sex life then it's come across really badly. It's supposed to read as an anecdote of how you can get better, self improvement works especially when you have the right people around you. Regardless, I've only slept with seven guys. I'm not really a slut after all.
Stay strong and play safe,
Depressivedetails@gmail.com

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