I have a confession to make: One of my very best guy friends plays 'editor' for this blog. He's a good little writer himself but a total asshole when it comes to all things grammar and punctuation - perfect for proofing! He also knows me well enough to tell me when my writing is too shit or incoherent to post online. I say this because I'm posting without his say-so tonight, being a boy makes it somewhat awkward for me to go gushing my girlish relationship qualms to him before anybody else.
My boyfriend's name is JJ. He makes mix CDs and tells me that he loves me. It's a strange one, though, because we're not in love, he just happens to be my best friend and I tell all of my closer friends that I love them on a regular basis. I bring this up because my 'illness' has a pretty strong impact on my relationship. My low points make everything incredibly urgent and also make me rather self-destructive. I tell him to leave me, I'm undeserving and he's so far out of my league, but almost seven months after our first date he's still trying to assure me I am an interesting, attractive young woman who should be treated with care, respect and (above all) trust.
One night we were lying in bed, half asleep, and being totally un-physical because I was on another week-long low and just not feeling sexy but then the urgency took over. He was the beacon of light in my darkness. For me to experience such strong romantic emotion when my normal state is depressed makes it seem more significant. Everything is life or death down there. To describe it to you with logic, normality is 0. If we give a 1 - 10 scale on positive feelings towards a human being (10 being 'soul mate' territory) he gets a solid 6 in my books. So when you bring depression into the equation I'd say I range from -9 - -3, so dropping from -3 to -9 makes JJ seem like a 12 and being urgently on my mind I then tell him I'm in love with him at which point he tells me he'll say it when he's ready and I wake up cringing the next day.
-------- Three months later --------
As I said in my previous post, JJ decided it'd be better if we went back to being friends (as we've been mates 3 years and dated 8 months it's next to impossible to lose his valued friendship). Let me tell you a little about the roles he's created for himself in my life, he's essentially my personal DJ for my room. He puts on the records, changes the CDs, makes mix tapes etc. He was the one who cleaned my room most frequently when we dated (even when I was in work). He is my agony aunt, we are in permanent contact and always know where one another are. We know about all of one another's friends, hook ups and family business. We've brought one another into work or to work functions. We've spent birthdays together, collected sticker books together and taken care of each other sick. In fact, the longest we've gone without speaking is 24 hours. We're so close that when we've both gone a month without a hook up, we can hook up. Essentially, the only downside to our relationship is that it makes it hard for any romantic partners to come into the picture.
So why keep the relationship going this way? It's obviously stayed too intimate since the break up. Is it unhealthy? Are there feelings lingering? The answer is no. I broke his heart when I put myself in hospital. He's quite traumatised and unwilling to talk about it at all. He wants to continue to help me through depression and I feel safe with him around. Creating distance caused a trust issue and I need to trust him. Because of my background with daddy issues, bad sex and miscarriage it takes a big level of trust for me to sleep with a guy, so, if I'm going to have sex he is the healthiest option.
I suppose I tell you this because it seems damaging. It appears to be holding on instead of moving on but I assure you it's not. When we have our depressive bubbles, when we let someone in, to lose a significant other from that bubble sometimes you need them to stay and hold the door for the next person you trust. The thing is you need to evaluate your own circumstance. I'm still too low to survive without my best friend, no matter who tells me I'm leading him on. I stay honest and try to stay strong and he supports me.
So, stay honest and stay strong!!
depressivedetails@gmail.com
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